Aside

For as much as a year Satan continued these visits, but at last he came less often, and then for a long time he did not come at all. This always made me lonely and melancholy. I felt that he was losing interest in our tiny world and might at any time abandon his visits entirely. When one day he finally came to me I was overjoyed, but only for a little while. He had come to say good-by, he told me, and for the last time. He had investigations and undertakings in other corners of the universe, he said, that would keep him busy for a longer period than I could wait for his return. 

“And you are going away, and will not come back any more?” 

“Yes,” he said. “We have comraded long together, and it has been pleasant—pleasant for both; but I must go now, and we shall not see each other any more.” 

“In this life, Satan, but in another? We shall meet in another, surely?” 

Then, all tranquilly and soberly, he made the strange answer, “There is no other.” 

A subtle influence blew upon my spirit from his, bringing with it a vague, dim, but blessed and hopeful feeling that the incredible words might be true—even must be true. 

“Have you never suspected this, Theodor?” 

“No. How could I? But if it can only be true—” 

“It is true.” 

A gust of thankfulness rose in my breast, but a doubt checked it before it could issue in words, and I said, “But—but—we have seen that future life—seen it in its actuality, and so—” 

“It was a vision—it had no existence.” 

I could hardly breathe for the great hope that was struggling in me. “A vision?—a vi—” 

“Life itself is only a vision, a dream.” 

It was electrical. By God! I had had that very thought a thousand times in my musings! 

“Nothing exists; all is a dream. God—man—the world—the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars—a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space—and you!” 

“I!” 
“And you are not you—you have no body, no blood, no bones, you are but a thought. I myself have no existence; I am but a dream—your dream, creature of your imagination. In a moment you will have realized this, then you will banish me from your visions and I shall dissolve into the nothingness out of which you made me…. 

“I am perishing already—I am failing—I am passing away. In a little while you will be alone in shoreless space, to wander its limitless solitudes without friend or comrade forever—for you will remain a thought, the only existent thought, and by your nature inextinguishable, indestructible. But I, your poor servant, have revealed you to yourself and set you free. Dream other dreams, and better! 

“Strange! that you should not have suspected years ago—centuries, ages, eons, ago!—for you have existed, companionless, through all the eternities. Strange, indeed, that you should not have suspected that your universe and its contents were only dreams, visions, fiction! Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane—like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell—mouths mercy and invented hell—mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none himself; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man’s acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!… 

“You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks—in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present; you should have recognized them earlier. 

“It is true, that which I have revealed to you; there is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream—a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought—a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!” 

He vanished, and left me appalled; for I knew, and realized, that all he had said was true.

Advertisements

Aside

More and more as I’ve been investigating my own experience I repeatedly arrive at a place of understanding where my perception of the ‘I’ that I am in reality and the way all of this experience is the shape consciousness is taking is exactly my experience of what a dream is. I’ve had this sense for some time that dreams are a kind of clue I’ve left for myself; a dream is me telling me what’s really going on.

A dream is an experience that happens within my mind. It has no reality outside the confines of my mind/imagination. It occurs over time, though that’s distorted from my ‘normal’ experience of time. Space appears to exist within the dream but from my awake state I know there is no space. In the dream I am always the main character but I’m not always me. I’m often a different personality than I recognize myself to be here in ‘reality.’ However, this ‘I’ that’s always present, that has no age, that’s not male or female, is equally present in my dreams. The same sense of I-ness I experience ‘here’ I experience ‘there.’ Whatever personality I possess in a particular dream it’s always ‘me’ behind-the-scenes. Within the dream there’s always a scene in space and usually other characters along with me in that scene. I don’t remember ever seeing my own body but I do see everyone else’s. The scene always has other objects but mostly I only remember being aware of other things when they ‘matter’ to the dream. Regardless of what I imagine I see within a dream there’s nothing actually ‘there’ in the way I perceive things to be ‘here’ in my waking state. There are no three dimensional, independently existing objects occupying a 3 dimensional space. There isn’t any ‘thing’ there!

This logically leads me back to see that all that I’m experiencing within the dream is the shape my consciousness or imagination or awareness is taking. I am never physically there seeing a physical scene through physical eyes. The very experience of seeing is the shape consciousness is taking as the experience I’m having. The I that is ever present, the exact same I that is present here in this ‘reality,’ is present and that which is ‘seeing’ in the dream, the witness. ‘Seeing’ is the shape of the experience and a mind turns that into a me and a not me, eyes in a me seeing a you out there. There is no me and my eyes, there is no you and out there. There is a single shape of awareness as the seer and that which is seen. This is a single scene occurring as an experience which my mind interprets as 10,000 things. Whatever I’m experiencing as the dream is the shape my consciousness is taking as a single experience.

The really incredible part of this is that it isn’t just that consciousness is creating a scene which is seen but that seeing and seen are a single thing. It isn’t creating a me that sees a that. Me and that are a single experience. In exactly the same way as my hand touching a wall is a single sensation of hand/wall experienced within consciousness rather than a hand and wall the same is true of the dream. I am not a seer seeing. Seeing is all there is. There is no seen. There is only seeing occurring and the ‘I’ that is the ever present witness is what experiences the seeing.

This still isn’t quite it, though. In saying the ‘I’ is the witness I’m still creating a subject and an object. I don’t think that’s correct. As Spira would teach, it’s a provisional understanding but once grasped must be discarded as well. Ultimately there is only a single something (here words become less and less able to describe the indescribable). ‘I’ is not the witness to a that but rather to itself. There isn’t an ‘I’ perceiving a that. Rather this ‘I’ that I know myself to be yet can’t turn around and see is inseparable from that which is experienced. I think through my mind that there is an I which perceives a that. Yet when I ‘see’ I realize that ‘I’ am the very seeing. There is no separation between this me that is seeing and that which is seen or experienced. I am the very experience I illusorily perceive to be a me and a that.

There is a placeless place of awareness where I realize all that I experience is experienced. No matter what it is I perceive to be experienced, a sound, a taste, a touch, a smell or something I see that which perceives those experiences always perceives them in the same ‘place’ of awareness. As an imagined physical entity I conceptualize that this physical presence is experiencing that physical presence in a single point in my brain. However I never actually experience any of that. ‘I’ experience thinking, sensing and perceiving. I don’t experience brain. Brain is a concept. My experience of each of these is experienced in exactly the same placeless place of awareness. I experience the presence of a body in exactly the same place as I experience ‘my’ thoughts. ‘I’ experience this keyboard in front of me in exactly the same place of awareness as I do my body and my thoughts. The entire thing is being experienced in one placeless place. My mind turns it into a me and a not me, a here and a not here.

As I contemplate and look deeper and deeper into my experience I find that I am the very experience I experience. There is not an I which perceives the experiences in that placeless place of awareness. The I that I experience is experienced in that very same placeless place. All that is ever experienced is all in that same place. The I that I perceive myself to be, the I that perceives all that I perceive to be not me is all being experienced in exactly the same ‘place.’ There is a single experience perceived. There is no distinction between the perceived and the perceiving. Perceiving is all there is.

All of this is a dream and dream is all there is. Dreamer and dream are one. Dreaming is all there is.

Aside

Who am I? ‘I’ have never had a single moment of experience apart from Awareness. ‘I’ and Awareness are the same. We must be. ‘I’ can’t be sans Awareness. Awareness is effortless; it never tries to be aware, it just is. What’s more this sense of I-ness that I experience as this me that perceives is unchanging. I am the exact same sense of ‘I’ now as I was in second grade. This sense of ‘I’ is exactly the same sense of ‘I’ I can ever remember from anytime over the course of my entire lifetime. My thoughts have changed but this inner me that is the presence here knowing is the same.

If I follow this realization where it seems to be leading, more and more previously unseen perspective becomes illuminated and falls into place. ‘I’ am Awareness. These thoughts that I think of as me thinking are happening within this Awareness. I am as aware of these thoughts as I am this keyboard in front of me. My entire experience as this human I think of as myself, Dylon, to be is a compilation of thinking, sensing (body) and perceiving (world) all happening within Awareness.

The thinking I’m doing is all happening in a placeless place of Awareness. It is here and I’m aware of it as a ‘thing’ I know but I can’t point to it any where. It just is. If I try to locate it I only point to a concept taught to me by someone else. I don’t actually experience a thought any where like inside my head. I simply experience each thought in a place of awareness neither near nor far.

Likewise, my perception of a body is entirely an experience of sensing. Every aspect of an experience of body I can identify is known by the sensation I experience of it calling it my body. The ongoing experiencing I’m doing or having is entirely an experience of sensing. I never experience a body as such. I experience sensing in exactly the same place as I experience thoughts. In fact, my experience of a sense and my experience of a thought are made out of exactly the same mind-stuff. Whatever a thought is made out of a sensation is made of exactly the same ‘stuff’ happening in exactly the same ‘place.’

Lastly, my perception of a world outside of me is experienced exactly the same as thoughts and sensations. I experience perceiving in the same placeless place as thinking and sensing. I see this keyboard in front of and apart from me. How? Where do I experience seeing? In the brain? Perhaps but do I ever experience a brain or do I just experience seeing? Only seeing, I never experience a brain. Brain is a concept I’ve learned from someone else. Seeing doesn’t happen ‘out there’ at the keyboard. It happens ‘in here’ as the experience of seeing. Again, where is ‘in here?’ I have a learned concept that tells me I’m experiencing all of this inside my brain but my direct experience is that I’m experiencing seeing in exactly the same placeless place as I do thinking and sensing. I can’t actually point to a ‘where.’ My experience is not only happening in the same ‘place’ as thinking and sensing but again, it’s made of the same ‘stuff’ as thinking and sensing. Whatever a thought is made out of my perceiving of seeing is made of the same thing.

Stop.

This Awareness that I know ‘I’ to be is my entire experience of me. Is there anything out there? I have no way of knowing. My entire experience of everything is the shape Awareness takes at the moment ‘I’ experience it. ‘I’ am Awareness. ‘I’ and Awareness are the same thing. Everything I experience as this ‘I’ is happening in the same placeless place of Awareness. I’m experiencing Awareness. I’m Awareness.

I/Awareness am experiencing I/Awareness.

All I ever actually experience is me. This entire experience is the shape Awareness takes as this experience. ‘I’ am all there ever is.