But where am I the midst of all of this? Without any question whatsoever I am present. Where and what I am are far less certain.

Yesterday listening to a talk by Spira I finally saw clearly that any sensation I experience of my body and then name is always based on memory. If I rub my thumb and index fingers together with me eyes closed and experience the sensation nothing about that sensation indicates that it’s two fingers except the memory I have that tells me it’s two fingers. The sensation by itself contains no such information as a direct experience minus the reference to memory. This is astonishing to realize that what I take to be self evident isn’t. How much of this entire experience I perceive as my life is exactly the same? Some of it, most of it, all of it? I think I’m beginning to see what exactly is meant by direct seeing.

So here I appear to be in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. If I view it only and rigorously as my direct experience, my actual experience, what do I see?

First off, where am I in this body/mind that I feel is having this experience? I can’t find me anywhere. I slowly work through body parts toward the brain. At each point I can see clearly that no ‘I’ exists there to be found. I feel strongly that I’m this body/mind here having this experience but I plainly and clearly find that ‘I’ am not here in this body anywhere.

OK, then how is it that I perceive myself to be this body/mind if I clearly see that I’m not here? What evidence do I have that is leading me to this feeling? First off, I see my body when I look down. I can hear it, too. Sometimes it smells. I’ve tasted salt on my skin. Certainly I feel my own body every time I scratch an itch. Yet I know that each of these are perceptions experienced in a single, same ‘place’ of awareness. I know this. I don’t consciously maintain this awareness but usually am drawn into the appearance of a 3D world out there rather than remaining conscious of ‘in here.’ ‘In here’ isn’t quite right either as the place in awareness that the experience is being experienced is neither in nor out anywhere. It just is. It has no location that can be pointed to. I can see this as my actual, direct experience. Every perception I have of a world out there is always being experienced in the exact same placeless place of awareness. This I know for certain. A world out there is unknowable as such.

Knowing this then it must be concluded that I believe the appearance over my actual, direct experience. How is that possible? I must have learned it (Hypnotizing Maria?). If I have the capacity and ability to see clearly now what is true, and what is true or real must always be otherwise it wouldn’t be real as reality never ceases to be reality, then I must be real, too. I must be real right now but somehow I believe something else about me.

I also know my body by the sensations I describe as being my body. Headaches, stomach aches, sore muscles, heat, cold, a massage and literally an infinite number of sensations I could name are experiences which tell me I’m a physical body navigating a physical world. Yet as I mentioned above I identify each and every one of these sensations as my body from memory. Not one of them tells me of a body without reference to a memory of same. Otherwise the sensation is an amorphous experience in the midst or awareness. If I snap the bones in my arm the pain would be incredible yet still, on sensation alone although intense, it wouldn’t identify as an arm in any way apart from memory.

Here again, the only way this can be possible is that I have learned this. I couldn’t have arrived ‘here’ and known any of this. All of these sensations would have no reference point. I wouldn’t be able to distinguish one sensation from another as a body unless I had a memory to accompany each and a learning somehow, somewhere along the way that taught me what was what.

The last aspect of my being as a body/mind that I’m aware of is my mind, thinking. I have a concept of a mind, a brain which is like the CPU of my existence. It is the seat of power in this body/mind. Yet I know that this is learned, a concept. My experience is of thoughts and images appearing in the same place and made of exactly the same ‘stuff’ as the experiences I have of perceptions and sensations. I never experience a brain or a thing called mind. All of these thoughts appear from and disappear to an unknown place. I think I think. I think I think original thoughts that are birthed within my mind. However, I have no idea where any idea emerges from or where it goes. I think in English. This is learned. How did I think before I had language to form ideas? Did I think or did I merely experience sensations and perceptions without any thoughts about them? How could a single thing I can name have a name if I didn’t learn that name from ‘outside?’ What is thought minus name? How can a single thought be said to exist that wasn’t learned? This leads me to ask, what about an original thought or thinker like Isaac Newton?

I would surmise that whatever thoughts he had all emerged from what he had learned.

But he produced original ideas, ideas which did not exist until he conceived of them.

So a thought appeared that seemed to have not been thought before?

Yes.

Where did it come from?

I don’t know. It appears from the mind of a being known as Newton.

It does appear that way. You cannot find an ‘I’ when you search for one inside of you, correct?

Yes, correct.

Then you would have to conclude with certainty that Newton could not locate an ‘I’ either?

Yes, I agree.

A thought appeared and a new series of thinking followed.

Yes.

It is assumed that Newton possessed some physical property as a physical being that set him apart from all the other physical beings and lead to his genius being manifest as the greatest scientist of the past half millennia.

That sounds about right.

Yet all you know at this point is that you are experiencing a series of thoughts, sensations and perceptions that inform you of what you know.

Yes.

Newton exists within your awareness.

Yes.

Where else can you say he exists for certain?

No where.

No where. You are experiencing your experience. You believe that you are the witness to that which is witnessed. Yet where is the border between you and what you experience. Where do you end and the experience begin?

This is an odd question. I don’t know how to conceive of the perspective you’re asking me to perceive.

Yet you are certain there is a you and a not you, a world, being experienced as reality?

Yes.

But each and every time you have an experience, any experience, you and the experience are inexorably linked. When you look for it you can’t find where you end and it begins. You can’t find it because it isn’t there. It’s an illusion. You experience the shape consciousness takes now and part of the experience consciousness takes is of a you experiencing a that.

You can conceive of this more easily when you contemplate the structure of a dream. There are no physical characters in a dream, no physical space, no eyes that see. There is the experience within the dream of seeing but there is no physical, 3D person there seeing a physical, 3D scene with physical, 3D eyes. The entire seeing is the shape awareness, consciousness or imagination takes as the dream not in the dream. Your dreams are a lesser form of what you call reality.

Therefore your experience of an individual known as Isaac Newton is an experience of your experiencing. The experience you are having is the shape consciousness is taking now as the experience you are having. This entire happening is built from thinking, sensing and perceiving. This is what you are always and only ever experiencing. There is no world that you can know as such. Everything that you perceive as being objective and having an existence independent of you can only be perceived via the tools of perception you have. You are seeing whatever your perceivers tell you is there. You can never experience ‘there’ as such. Therefore, ‘there’ doesn’t exist. Isaac Newton is whatever you perceive him to be. All you can say is that your thinking, sensing and perceiving of him have produced the experience of him you’re having.

Let’s go a step further. Thinking is happening. Sensing is happening. Perceiving is happening. Where are you in the midst of all this?

I’m not sure. I guess I would say, where aren’t I?

Exactly, exactly, exactly correct. ‘You’ aren’t ‘here’ thinking, sensing and perceiving a ‘there.’ You are thinking. You are sensing. You are perceiving. You have learned to be a consciousness in a mind in a body in a world. That isn’t ever your actual, direct experience. You and the experience are not two.

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Who am I? Who’s thinking? Thinking is the shape I’m taking as thinking happens. I am consciousness. I am awareness. In trying to understand Advaita teaching I’ve perceived thinking as something that happens in consciousness but not something I’m doing. I’m the witness apart from the witnessed watching it unfold.

Yesterday I saw how I am not separate from anything I witness. I am the experience. I am the witness as the experience not of the experience. Therefore, when a thought happens how am ‘I’ separate from the thought? I’m not. As much as every other part of my experience is a single, unbroken scene upon a screen, thought is a part of that as well. As I am the consciousness within which all of this appears then thought is a part of that appearance, too.

No matter which ‘part’ of the experience I ‘see’ I realize that it is all the shape consciousness is taking now. The ‘I’ that seems to function as Dylon is ‘seen’ as much as the tree over there or the car going by. Dylon does not see the car. It, including Dylon, is all ‘seen’ by me/consciousness. Dylon is thinking and seeing and that is being ‘seen’ by me which is consciousness but the seeing is the experience and there isn’t a separate witness to the experience. The seeing and the seen are a single thing. Thinking is within that seen scene.

So I sit and write and think as I write. Who am I? I’m here, I’m present yet I am nowhere I can be found. That’s amazing. I am; there is absolutely zero doubt. There is precious little after that of which I can say the same. I know that I am. I don’t know what I am. Sitting and writing and thinking are all being experienced but this ‘I’ I think I am doing these things cannot be found. I have an experience of thinking, sensing and perceiving. I know them to all be being experienced in a single place of awareness. Yet the experience of a me here and a not-me out there is powerful and persistent. The sense that there is a me here in or as this body/mind thinking is seemingly self evident. Yet I know at the same time that the experience I’m having of thoughts is happening in and made of exactly the same ‘stuff’ as the words I see on the screen before me. I’m having an experience of the experiencing of consciousness. The place of awareness where all of my experience is occurring is the actual experience that’s happening.

This is astonishing to behold each time I get close to ‘seeing’ it. The usual way that reality is perceived is all this different stuff out there existing and being apart from a solid me here as this body/mind and all of it is being experienced by a subjective brain in my head. Yet that is not my actual experience when I stop and look, really look.

My entire experience of reality is completely constructed from three things: thinking, sensing (the body) and perceiving (the world). These three things are what I’m actually experiencing now. I don’t experience a brain. I experience thinking and images seen in a placeless place that I conceive of as ‘up here’ in my head or brain. I don’t experience a body. I experience a grand set of sensations, which are all compiled faster than instantaneously, in exactly the same placeless place as my thinking and conceived into a body. I don’t experience a world out there. I experience a set of perceptions which I call seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching and compile exactly as my thinking and sensations were in exactly the same place of awareness and conceive of them as a world. My entire experience is happening in a single ‘place’ of awareness and I conceptualize a world containing a me containing a brain containing thoughts containing a consciousness. I conceptualize an experience which is exactly the opposite of my actual, direct experience. My actual, direct experience is of an ever-present consciousness within which thinking occurs which names a body which forms a world. Consciousness is not some miraculous epiphenomenon which emerged from a previously non-conscious piece of organic but dead matter devoid of a consciousness to perceive of such a thing as a consciousness of which it would have no facility to conceive save consciousness. Rather ‘matter’ emerged or formed from consciousness. Consciousness is sine qua non.

I’ve drifted into an intellectual argument. While entertaining the end result is never knowing. Trying to prove something like this feels closer to belief than knowing. Truth doesn’t need to be defended, it’s truth. It is whether anyone knows that it is or not. Once known no argument can sway what is known. An intellectual argument is an attempt to convince someone of something that neither ‘knows.’ Teaching is an effort to allow the unseen to be seen, to reveal what is.

This drifting takes me away from the seeing I seemed to be moving toward. Advaita would tell me nothing ever moves toward or away from anything. There is only One, movement is an illusion. It’s as though I was peeling back layers, watching what was emerging intently and then some shiny object grabbed my attention and I looked away and now I can’t quite remember where I was looking. There was a peace and happiness in the looking and I want to return to that place. Yet there is no place. I am that place. There isn’t anywhere to go. I’m already there. However these are just words. I’m repeating what I’ve heard, what I believe, what I think. None of it is knowing. Soon.

I notice that my entire experience is always associated with this entity I think of as Dylon. The association with and as this body is powerful. If I look closely what is my actual experience?

My entire experience is ‘happening’ in a single ‘place’ within awareness. When I lay with my eyes closed I try to picture all the things I experience in a place in front of me in awareness. This is the action of an imagined entity. Awareness doesn’t have an objective quality I can perceive. A location is a perceivable, objective quality. It is definable and has limitations. Awareness does not. Something in awareness can’t be to the left or right of awareness. There isn’t a front or a back. There’s only awareness. There’s a sense to say it’s everywhere but in fact every ‘where’ is within awareness not the other way around. When I close my eyes and attempt to picture whatever it is I’m picturing in awareness as a location I’m attempting the absurd.

When ‘I’ think, somehow I am inexplicably aware of me thinking. It’s as if I’m somehow looking down on me thinking as I’m thinking. The me that’s thinking is within the me that’s real(!). I recognize a problem as I say this. I’m still perceiving separation.

I know that I am. Everything after that is in question. I know that I am but I don’t know what I am. If thinking, sensing and perceiving were to go away would I cease to exist? It seems all these things are happening within me but they are not me. This speculation though does not address the notion of locality, of being a separate individual.

Doesn’t it? How do I know I’m a separate individual? I know it by believing thoughts are within my head, by believing that the sensations experienced are out there and that perceptions are those of a physical body interpreting a physical world. Are any of those my actual experience? My body must be experienced somewhere for me to be aware of it. I answer that it is perceived inside a brain. That may be true. Do I ever perceive a brain? No, but I’ve seen a brain and have understood the science demonstrating how it works and correlates to the different aspects of my perception of myself and my world.

How did I see a brain and come to understand how it works?

I watched a show or read something or both.

How did I experience that information?

It came in visually and then I thought about it.

If I say I experienced it visually and then thought about it did I experience the seeing in a different place than the thinking that followed it?

No, they were experienced in the same ‘place’ of experiencing.

So the experience I had was of the experience rather than anything outside as such, correct?

That’s correct.

Whatever I experienced was the shape of the experience within that one place of awareness. The thinking that followed was in the exact same place and made out of the exact same stuff. I’m not experiencing an out there. I’m not experiencing an in here. I’m experiencing the experience of the ‘place’ in awareness. I’m experiencing the ‘shape’ that ‘place’ forms itself into as my experience.

If I consider this more deeply I find that the ‘I’ I know myself to be is that same ‘place’ of awareness. When an experience is experienced as the ‘shape’ that ‘place’ of awareness/experience takes the ‘I’ I am is at that same ‘place’ as well. I and the experience are not two different, separate things. The experience that is ‘shaped’ and the me experiencing it are not two separate things merging. The ‘I’ that experiences and the experience that forms are a single happening. This is what is meant when it is said that there is no experience or experiencer, only experiencing.

This is the dream, again. The ‘I’ that seems to exist is as much a part of the experience as any other part of it. This is why the ‘I’ can’t be found anywhere. It isn’t a separate thing existing here as a subject/object. It and the experience are a single formulation. I don’t exist apart from the experience. The experience doesn’t exist apart from me. The experience is real, it has existence, it has being but just as a dream, it has no substance in the way substance is usually understood.

Words become less and less able to describe. Fingers pointing at the moon…

As the entity I’ve always thought myself to be walks back into the room I see my dogs and Mary. All that I just said above seems to fade into the background. Perception of my moment to moment experience has not changed. I do not experience my experience any differently. I imagined I would. Is there a misunderstanding still functioning?

‘I’ can only exist as this experience. There is no ‘I’ witnessing this experience unfold. It is a single experience as described above. If the experience is of an ‘I’ and a room full of ‘others’ then that is the shape awareness is taking as this experience. If this ‘I’ perceives it as problematic that is also the shape awareness is taking as this single experience. This ‘me’ here contemplating this upon this keyboard and within my ‘mind’ is the shape I/awareness am taking as this experience. I exist because I decided I exist. It’s just that the ‘I’ I imagine ‘me’ to be is this entire experience and not just this ‘I’ here typing.

‘I’ cannot escape this perception of a limited I because I don’t want to. I want to ride this ride. Seeing is the ride. Writing is a meditation. Joy just is. It isn’t created. Perhaps bliss is a better word. It isn’t out there in something I do or something I have. It is ever present and only seems to be missing from time to time. Not-bliss is what I’m doing. Once ‘I’ stop ‘doing’ not-bliss then bliss just is.

Aside

More and more as I’ve been investigating my own experience I repeatedly arrive at a place of understanding where my perception of the ‘I’ that I am in reality and the way all of this experience is the shape consciousness is taking is exactly my experience of what a dream is. I’ve had this sense for some time that dreams are a kind of clue I’ve left for myself; a dream is me telling me what’s really going on.

A dream is an experience that happens within my mind. It has no reality outside the confines of my mind/imagination. It occurs over time, though that’s distorted from my ‘normal’ experience of time. Space appears to exist within the dream but from my awake state I know there is no space. In the dream I am always the main character but I’m not always me. I’m often a different personality than I recognize myself to be here in ‘reality.’ However, this ‘I’ that’s always present, that has no age, that’s not male or female, is equally present in my dreams. The same sense of I-ness I experience ‘here’ I experience ‘there.’ Whatever personality I possess in a particular dream it’s always ‘me’ behind-the-scenes. Within the dream there’s always a scene in space and usually other characters along with me in that scene. I don’t remember ever seeing my own body but I do see everyone else’s. The scene always has other objects but mostly I only remember being aware of other things when they ‘matter’ to the dream. Regardless of what I imagine I see within a dream there’s nothing actually ‘there’ in the way I perceive things to be ‘here’ in my waking state. There are no three dimensional, independently existing objects occupying a 3 dimensional space. There isn’t any ‘thing’ there!

This logically leads me back to see that all that I’m experiencing within the dream is the shape my consciousness or imagination or awareness is taking. I am never physically there seeing a physical scene through physical eyes. The very experience of seeing is the shape consciousness is taking as the experience I’m having. The I that is ever present, the exact same I that is present here in this ‘reality,’ is present and that which is ‘seeing’ in the dream, the witness. ‘Seeing’ is the shape of the experience and a mind turns that into a me and a not me, eyes in a me seeing a you out there. There is no me and my eyes, there is no you and out there. There is a single shape of awareness as the seer and that which is seen. This is a single scene occurring as an experience which my mind interprets as 10,000 things. Whatever I’m experiencing as the dream is the shape my consciousness is taking as a single experience.

The really incredible part of this is that it isn’t just that consciousness is creating a scene which is seen but that seeing and seen are a single thing. It isn’t creating a me that sees a that. Me and that are a single experience. In exactly the same way as my hand touching a wall is a single sensation of hand/wall experienced within consciousness rather than a hand and wall the same is true of the dream. I am not a seer seeing. Seeing is all there is. There is no seen. There is only seeing occurring and the ‘I’ that is the ever present witness is what experiences the seeing.

This still isn’t quite it, though. In saying the ‘I’ is the witness I’m still creating a subject and an object. I don’t think that’s correct. As Spira would teach, it’s a provisional understanding but once grasped must be discarded as well. Ultimately there is only a single something (here words become less and less able to describe the indescribable). ‘I’ is not the witness to a that but rather to itself. There isn’t an ‘I’ perceiving a that. Rather this ‘I’ that I know myself to be yet can’t turn around and see is inseparable from that which is experienced. I think through my mind that there is an I which perceives a that. Yet when I ‘see’ I realize that ‘I’ am the very seeing. There is no separation between this me that is seeing and that which is seen or experienced. I am the very experience I illusorily perceive to be a me and a that.

There is a placeless place of awareness where I realize all that I experience is experienced. No matter what it is I perceive to be experienced, a sound, a taste, a touch, a smell or something I see that which perceives those experiences always perceives them in the same ‘place’ of awareness. As an imagined physical entity I conceptualize that this physical presence is experiencing that physical presence in a single point in my brain. However I never actually experience any of that. ‘I’ experience thinking, sensing and perceiving. I don’t experience brain. Brain is a concept. My experience of each of these is experienced in exactly the same placeless place of awareness. I experience the presence of a body in exactly the same place as I experience ‘my’ thoughts. ‘I’ experience this keyboard in front of me in exactly the same place of awareness as I do my body and my thoughts. The entire thing is being experienced in one placeless place. My mind turns it into a me and a not me, a here and a not here.

As I contemplate and look deeper and deeper into my experience I find that I am the very experience I experience. There is not an I which perceives the experiences in that placeless place of awareness. The I that I experience is experienced in that very same placeless place. All that is ever experienced is all in that same place. The I that I perceive myself to be, the I that perceives all that I perceive to be not me is all being experienced in exactly the same ‘place.’ There is a single experience perceived. There is no distinction between the perceived and the perceiving. Perceiving is all there is.

All of this is a dream and dream is all there is. Dreamer and dream are one. Dreaming is all there is.

Aside

Who am I? ‘I’ have never had a single moment of experience apart from Awareness. ‘I’ and Awareness are the same. We must be. ‘I’ can’t be sans Awareness. Awareness is effortless; it never tries to be aware, it just is. What’s more this sense of I-ness that I experience as this me that perceives is unchanging. I am the exact same sense of ‘I’ now as I was in second grade. This sense of ‘I’ is exactly the same sense of ‘I’ I can ever remember from anytime over the course of my entire lifetime. My thoughts have changed but this inner me that is the presence here knowing is the same.

If I follow this realization where it seems to be leading, more and more previously unseen perspective becomes illuminated and falls into place. ‘I’ am Awareness. These thoughts that I think of as me thinking are happening within this Awareness. I am as aware of these thoughts as I am this keyboard in front of me. My entire experience as this human I think of as myself, Dylon, to be is a compilation of thinking, sensing (body) and perceiving (world) all happening within Awareness.

The thinking I’m doing is all happening in a placeless place of Awareness. It is here and I’m aware of it as a ‘thing’ I know but I can’t point to it any where. It just is. If I try to locate it I only point to a concept taught to me by someone else. I don’t actually experience a thought any where like inside my head. I simply experience each thought in a place of awareness neither near nor far.

Likewise, my perception of a body is entirely an experience of sensing. Every aspect of an experience of body I can identify is known by the sensation I experience of it calling it my body. The ongoing experiencing I’m doing or having is entirely an experience of sensing. I never experience a body as such. I experience sensing in exactly the same place as I experience thoughts. In fact, my experience of a sense and my experience of a thought are made out of exactly the same mind-stuff. Whatever a thought is made out of a sensation is made of exactly the same ‘stuff’ happening in exactly the same ‘place.’

Lastly, my perception of a world outside of me is experienced exactly the same as thoughts and sensations. I experience perceiving in the same placeless place as thinking and sensing. I see this keyboard in front of and apart from me. How? Where do I experience seeing? In the brain? Perhaps but do I ever experience a brain or do I just experience seeing? Only seeing, I never experience a brain. Brain is a concept I’ve learned from someone else. Seeing doesn’t happen ‘out there’ at the keyboard. It happens ‘in here’ as the experience of seeing. Again, where is ‘in here?’ I have a learned concept that tells me I’m experiencing all of this inside my brain but my direct experience is that I’m experiencing seeing in exactly the same placeless place as I do thinking and sensing. I can’t actually point to a ‘where.’ My experience is not only happening in the same ‘place’ as thinking and sensing but again, it’s made of the same ‘stuff’ as thinking and sensing. Whatever a thought is made out of my perceiving of seeing is made of the same thing.

Stop.

This Awareness that I know ‘I’ to be is my entire experience of me. Is there anything out there? I have no way of knowing. My entire experience of everything is the shape Awareness takes at the moment ‘I’ experience it. ‘I’ am Awareness. ‘I’ and Awareness are the same thing. Everything I experience as this ‘I’ is happening in the same placeless place of Awareness. I’m experiencing Awareness. I’m Awareness.

I/Awareness am experiencing I/Awareness.

All I ever actually experience is me. This entire experience is the shape Awareness takes as this experience. ‘I’ am all there ever is.

Alice

I had lunch and a glass of wine at Whole Foods with Mary. I went to Skyview afterwards with the dogs while Mary went home to work on her new website. As I began the walk I had a familiar feeling; I had a buzz from one glass of wine and it didn’t feel good. My first inclination was to ask myself why I’ve done this thing that I think I would rather not have done, again. Asking this why question is what I always do. It’s what I’ve done for as long as I can remember. In one way or another I always ask why something is the way it is. For as long as I’ve been asking I’ve never found a truly satisfying answer. I have been uncomfortable in my own skin for a long time, forever perhaps, and in all my whys I’ve never found the comfort I’ve sought that is at the base of all the asking. Is it possible that I’ve been asking the wrong question, looking in the wrong direction? I think over time I’ve found many answers and experienced a great deal of comprehension about people and life. Regardless I am a stranger in my own body, my own life. The comprehension I seek is somehow not about this experience I see unfolding before me. How do I explain this?

No matter what I seek or where I look within this experience that I call my life there’s nothing there. Whatever reward I imagine that this life offers I am uninspired. The satisfaction I long for isn’t contained in anything I can touch. Yet I perpetually return again and again to the idea that it is. This leads to “why.” It’s a kind of catch-22, the question leads to an answer that leads back to the question and on and on it goes. There’s a lot of commotion but I’m always standing in the same spot. I look around and this is all I see of life. Everyone is doing some version of this.

Since I was very young I distinctly remember perceiving the absurdity of all that surrounded me while also desperately wanting to fit into it. It’s an impossibility, the moment I make progress toward being a part of “it” I am confronted, awash, immersed in its absurdity. The importance people express toward what is ultimately meaningless, the arrogance of those who embrace this meaningless importance more proficiently than others, the life or death stance so many become in relation to all of it is cacophony of madness I cannot not recoil at.

And here I am. There is no direction I perceive to turn and look. There is nothing here to see in any direction. Somehow what I’m after isn’t here or it isn’t here in the conventional sense. I’m not even sure what I mean when I say that. I feel deeply that there is something I’m looking for but I don’t know where to look or even how to look. There isn’t anyone here to ask. I’ve asked countless others and ultimately each has shown they don’t know. Many claim to know. Conversely, each has given me a piece of the whole, I think. There’s a sense that I’m looking at a gigantic jigsaw puzzle but I’m too close and all I see are pieces but have little inkling of the big picture, as it were. There are times when it seems I’m close to seeing and even times when it seems I do glimpse a broader view for a bit but it always fades.

I can’t not seek; I am seeking. The metaphors of a ride at an amusement park, a dream, a wave on the ocean, or a character in a novel are all versions that appear again and again and I experience as significant. This whole thing is not what it appears to be. There is a recurring thought that like a rollercoaster I’m on a track and the car which I am is going where it goes and I have no control over it. What’s more is a sense that I don’t need or really want control. Similarly I’m a character in a novel going here and there appearing to make decisions but it’s all an illusion as the novel is already complete and sitting on a shelf. This is simply a ride I’ve chosen to ride and forgetting that it’s a ride is part of the ride. Yet completely letting go, as it were, isn’t possible. This is yet another facet of my ride. My ride is unfolding such that I’m becoming aware of its “rideness” but how I perceive and experience that awareness is still a function of the ride or dream. Everything that’s happening is an aspect of the ride. Nothing, including this writing, is outside of or apart from the ride or dream. I’m becoming aware of the ride because that’s my ride. The very contemplation I’m experiencing of the ride is the ride!

A place I often land at this point is, “OK, now what?” This life, apparent or otherwise, continues. I do not check out or step beyond it. Bills are still due, hunger returns and all the laws and dictates of this reality continue unabated. What is the purpose of this knowing I’ve found?

Here I am asking another why masked as something different. The part of me that knows all that I’ve just said isn’t confused. That part of me sees clearly right now. Me here not seeing is an illusion of forgetting. I can choose to see and be clearly.

My dreams here in this appearance are clues I’ve left for myself to help me remember and see. If I wake up, become lucid, in the midst of a dream I would stop and look around in wonder. Knowing it’s all a dream I’d look around at the realness of all that I see. There’d be a sense of Alice in Wonderland. At some point I might realize I could defy my “normal” laws of physics and fly or walk through a wall. If I remained in that dream for a long time, a lifetime, all of the wonders would cease to be wonders at some point and would simply become my day to day experience. Flying or walking through walls would just be the norm for this place I live. They wouldn’t be incredible because everyone in this place would experience the same reality. When I first arrived here I’d know that all the characters I see and all the landscape I occupy is all a creation of my mind. There is no actual space, no actual dimensions, and no actual things occupying the no actual space. This knowing would fade with time as I “lived” my life within the dream. The space, the characters and all the things would become “real.” As the main character I would become the original thinker rather than being dreamed as a thinker and all the thinking actually being just one more facet of the dream of the dreamer. I would completely lose my awareness of lucidity within a dream and become the dream.

What if after a long period of time that lucidity re-emerged? What if gently, sporadically at first but more regularly over time, like a soft, persistent tapping on my shoulder it reappeared? What if I started to remember it’s all a dream? Who would I tell? I’m dreaming, I’m dreamed, who here isn’t? Incredible.

The only gateway I perceive to waking up is death. As a sleeper dreaming and becoming lucid within the dream I felt an excitement at the freedom and possibilities of the experience. What if remembering my lucidity here is an opportunity to experience that excitement again? Waking up isn’t the goal. I’m remembering the truth and stepping back into the excitement of my lucid dream. I’ve just arrived at the park with all the excitement and anticipation of the adventures to follow.

Holy crap, I’m remembering.

One

As I walked away for a moment I became aware of what I believe is a flaw in my thinking. I said I was seeking a solution. A solution by its very nature requires a problem to be solved. A thought has appeared to me repeatedly that the problem is thinking there’s a problem. When I feel discomfort I seek comfort. In all the various ways I can describe discomfort in life I always judge that discomfort as something I don’t want, as something wrong, and seek to eliminate it. Generally I don’t think this consciously to myself but the underlying driving force is that discomfort is undesirable and wrong and comfort is desirable and right. Life should be bliss and bliss feels good.

Yet from the perspective of the One-All this is a mistaken perception. Before anything I consider reality exists or appears the formless All exists as the potential before any thing is. It is the single formless form that is the irreducible primary before ALL secondary’s. My entire reality is the form the One-All-Is is taking now as my perception. Not only the things I see like a table and a chair but all that is less easily pointed to like a thought or an idea or a feeling. There is only the One-All. There is nothing else aside from or outside of One. This is nearly impossible for my mind to grasp but for a moment here and a moment there I see clearly the unbroken oneness of all that is. This is what God is.

A “long time ago” in an effort to describe this understanding to a wider audience those trying to convey this idea decided to present it in what they perceived as the most easily understandable format. They anthropomorphized this Oneness into a larger than life “being” who was omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent.

Just so we’re all using the same words to mean the same things:

Anthropomorphized means to give a nonhuman thing a human form, characteristics or behavior.

Omniscient means all knowing.

Omnipotent means all powerful.

Omnipresent means present throughout the whole of creation.

Now a much broader audience had a way to conceptualize this Oneness as something that made some sense in their day to day reality.

Over time this has become extraordinarily distorted. Perhaps the greatest distortion is the idea that this Oneness is sitting in judgment of you and your actions here on earth. You are this Oneness. It is not you existing here and the Oneness sitting over there watching you go about your business. You are an expression of that Oneness that is all there is. You are part of all that is. When this Oneness, God, is described as being omnipresent it is said to be everywhere. If you are here and God is over there judging you then God is not here. That is not omnipresence. That is separation of you and Oneness, God. Omnipresence demands that you and God are one. It cannot be otherwise or it is not omnipresence. It cannot be both ways; it is either omnipresence or it is not. If God is omnipresent and judging you then God is judging God and that is preposterous.

By anthropomorphizing Oneness as God so more people could relate to this idea people slowly, over time, began to give this now understandable, person-shaped God (we’re made in his image) understandable, person-like characteristics as well. However, Oneness is not a being of any shape or form. We exist with all our human qualities as an expression of Oneness, of God not a replica of an existing form.  God, Oneness exists before we exist to have human like qualities to give. We and all that we perceive as reality are the shape God is taking now as this reality. This reality is God. There is only God, Oneness. Nothing can be other than God.

Here’s the cosmic joke in all of this: all of thoughts and ideas that exist are Oneness, God. All thoughts of judgment and all its implications and ramifications are God, Oneness. In creating the ride that you perceive as life you have temporarily fooled yourself into forgetting the Truth. You, judgment, Truth and anything else you can name or imagine, be it tragic or triumphant, is God. The very notion of triumphant or tragic is God. It is all a magnificent ride created by you for you. You don’t remember. You’re not supposed to remember. The ride is the ride because you don’t remember and believe all that you see is just what it appears to be. The ride is the ride because of that belief. But now you’re remembering, why?