I notice that my entire experience is always associated with this entity I think of as Dylon. The association with and as this body is powerful. If I look closely what is my actual experience?
My entire experience is ‘happening’ in a single ‘place’ within awareness. When I lay with my eyes closed I try to picture all the things I experience in a place in front of me in awareness. This is the action of an imagined entity. Awareness doesn’t have an objective quality I can perceive. A location is a perceivable, objective quality. It is definable and has limitations. Awareness does not. Something in awareness can’t be to the left or right of awareness. There isn’t a front or a back. There’s only awareness. There’s a sense to say it’s everywhere but in fact every ‘where’ is within awareness not the other way around. When I close my eyes and attempt to picture whatever it is I’m picturing in awareness as a location I’m attempting the absurd.
When ‘I’ think, somehow I am inexplicably aware of me thinking. It’s as if I’m somehow looking down on me thinking as I’m thinking. The me that’s thinking is within the me that’s real(!). I recognize a problem as I say this. I’m still perceiving separation.
I know that I am. Everything after that is in question. I know that I am but I don’t know what I am. If thinking, sensing and perceiving were to go away would I cease to exist? It seems all these things are happening within me but they are not me. This speculation though does not address the notion of locality, of being a separate individual.
Doesn’t it? How do I know I’m a separate individual? I know it by believing thoughts are within my head, by believing that the sensations experienced are out there and that perceptions are those of a physical body interpreting a physical world. Are any of those my actual experience? My body must be experienced somewhere for me to be aware of it. I answer that it is perceived inside a brain. That may be true. Do I ever perceive a brain? No, but I’ve seen a brain and have understood the science demonstrating how it works and correlates to the different aspects of my perception of myself and my world.
How did I see a brain and come to understand how it works?
I watched a show or read something or both.
How did I experience that information?
It came in visually and then I thought about it.
If I say I experienced it visually and then thought about it did I experience the seeing in a different place than the thinking that followed it?
No, they were experienced in the same ‘place’ of experiencing.
So the experience I had was of the experience rather than anything outside as such, correct?
Whatever I experienced was the shape of the experience within that one place of awareness. The thinking that followed was in the exact same place and made out of the exact same stuff. I’m not experiencing an out there. I’m not experiencing an in here. I’m experiencing the experience of the ‘place’ in awareness. I’m experiencing the ‘shape’ that ‘place’ forms itself into as my experience.
If I consider this more deeply I find that the ‘I’ I know myself to be is that same ‘place’ of awareness. When an experience is experienced as the ‘shape’ that ‘place’ of awareness/experience takes the ‘I’ I am is at that same ‘place’ as well. I and the experience are not two different, separate things. The experience that is ‘shaped’ and the me experiencing it are not two separate things merging. The ‘I’ that experiences and the experience that forms are a single happening. This is what is meant when it is said that there is no experience or experiencer, only experiencing.
This is the dream, again. The ‘I’ that seems to exist is as much a part of the experience as any other part of it. This is why the ‘I’ can’t be found anywhere. It isn’t a separate thing existing here as a subject/object. It and the experience are a single formulation. I don’t exist apart from the experience. The experience doesn’t exist apart from me. The experience is real, it has existence, it has being but just as a dream, it has no substance in the way substance is usually understood.
Words become less and less able to describe. Fingers pointing at the moon…
As the entity I’ve always thought myself to be walks back into the room I see my dogs and Mary. All that I just said above seems to fade into the background. Perception of my moment to moment experience has not changed. I do not experience my experience any differently. I imagined I would. Is there a misunderstanding still functioning?
‘I’ can only exist as this experience. There is no ‘I’ witnessing this experience unfold. It is a single experience as described above. If the experience is of an ‘I’ and a room full of ‘others’ then that is the shape awareness is taking as this experience. If this ‘I’ perceives it as problematic that is also the shape awareness is taking as this single experience. This ‘me’ here contemplating this upon this keyboard and within my ‘mind’ is the shape I/awareness am taking as this experience. I exist because I decided I exist. It’s just that the ‘I’ I imagine ‘me’ to be is this entire experience and not just this ‘I’ here typing.
‘I’ cannot escape this perception of a limited I because I don’t want to. I want to ride this ride. Seeing is the ride. Writing is a meditation. Joy just is. It isn’t created. Perhaps bliss is a better word. It isn’t out there in something I do or something I have. It is ever present and only seems to be missing from time to time. Not-bliss is what I’m doing. Once ‘I’ stop ‘doing’ not-bliss then bliss just is.